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Well, I've got a lot of leftover prints from Ikasucon, plus I was asked several times about serious comission work . . . anyway, I'm gonna give this a trial run (because I don't have a job this summer and therefore need SOME way to pay for college expenses).  You can email me ( for more information or to place an order.  If ordering a print, please include the title as it is posted on DA, saying something like 'the one with riku' won't help me much, seeing as I have like 4 of those.  A few images are not available due to the loss of the file or something.

Prints (copies of artwork or photographs) are $10 each or 3 for $25 (every third one is $5 . . . so if you buy 4, its $35, etc.)  Proving that you are a college student will get you a discount (using a .edu email address is the easiest way to do this . . . scans of student ID's would also work I guess).  Shipping is usually about $1 for the envelope and the shipping within the continental US, I've never shipped outside of there.  

Images are scanned and printed at high resolution on your choice of glossy photo paper or Epson premium luster paper (actually a slightly matte finish) with a CMYK inkjet.  All paper is 11 x 8.5 inches, with the actual print size 8x10.5" for artwork, 7.5x10" for photographs.  

All 8.5 x 11" are done on 110lb cardstock.  11 x 17" and custom sizes have a choice of marker paper (marker commissions only please), watercolor paper (watercolor commissions only), sketch paper, or illustration board.  Custom sizes must measure 200 square inches or less (11 x 17" is 187 square inches).  Watercolor paper, marker paper, and sketch paper must be dimensions smaller than 11x17 if custom sized.  Choices for color include:  watercolor, marker, colored pencil, mixed media (marker/colored pencil mix usually, but sometimes watercolor), computer coloring (photoshop, paint shop pro, or painter IX), and the addition of oil washes.  Shipping prices will be the same for smaller images, but will probably be $3-5 for larger images.


I know these may seem a bit expensive, but this is actually cheaper than my friends told me to go . . .

I also have my bookmars and card decks for sale.  The bookmarks are $2 a piece, but you can get all 8 for $10.  The card decks are $15 a piece, and are laminated cardstock, making them playable decks.  (they have all 52 cards.  The face cards are in my gallery, the number cards are japanese kanji.)

yeah, so I finally got my hands on all of death note.  It was a great series, if you count the first 7 books.  Yeah, so I didn't like the ending.  

For as much as I can say "I don't like happy endings," I'm a sucker for them.  Or at least for the main character to win.  (Even if they are 'evil,' I guess.)  But . . . even if light-kun was still discovered (which is kinda the whole point of the manga), he could have at least died in a much cooler way.  Like, grinning all evil-like.  Or something.  *severely disappointed*  But I guess such is the way of the human psychee.  A fear of death so powerful . . . .

I'm also severely upsetted by L's death.  (And we never even found out his real name, either!)  L was cool, but Near and Mello weren't.  Definately weren't.  I think they really tried hard to make L's personality into Near with the way he held stuff and inspected stuff, but it wasn't the same.  Its all in the toes.  And the sugar cubes.  

Anyway, I feel sad for a very well-drawn series that kept me riveted to the end.  I suppose if it did have a 'happy' ending, I would have just moved on and not remembered it, so in a way, the authors did their jobs.  But in my mind I'd like to think, somewhere, that Ryuuzaki and Light-kun are still watching . . . .  Kira with his ever-malicious smile, L with his ever-inquisitive eyes.  

Well, hats off to Ohba Tsugumi and Obata Takeshi for their amazing work, and their ability to deviate from the standard manga/anime style vague ending.  But all in all, I've grown too acustomed to the vagueness, and its almost nicer than when writers wrap things up.  

Still, they could have at least let Light-kun die all cool-like.  Dangit.
Whee!  I'm 20!  Making me . . . . not a kid anymore!  Really!!!

And in celebration, my next (read 'first') kiriban will be 20K HITS!  Screencap it and email it to me, and I'll draw you something of your choice (yaoi/yuri/hentai is out though).

In the meanwhile, though, there probably won't be a lot of updates hitting here because I'm deeply involved in a SUPER-SECRET project (. . . . or not so secret.  Lots of love to my editors though *big hugs for Chris and Seth.*)

Yeah, I'll update this with a new pick of people-you-must-go-see soon, but for now just clubbage and a contest .  . .

:iconshadowlotus2: - kingdom hearts contest (whee!)

:icon1piecefans:  :iconluffyxnami:  :iconsanji-club:  :iconzoroclub:  :iconshanksfanclub:  :iconusopp-club:   :icongalley-love:  :iconjingclub:  - clubbage!
really, I think I might just pull through!

Quick update to say I'M ALIVE!!!!  er, mostly  (I had strep last week, thats pretty nasty).  

Uhm, bunches of art uploaded, and more stuff on the way (but not so much, I'm busy with ANOTHER SECRET PROJECT!  *laughs all evil like zim!*)

and in other news, my cat is snoring.  (but she's still more adorable than ANY OF YOUR BOYFRIENDS!)

thanksgiving break

Sat Nov 26, 2005, 9:17 PM
600+ messages later . . . .

Last week was, seriously, the first time I had a chance to seriously take a look at all the deviations and messages and stuffs that had been piling up since september (yes, college is that busy for me X_X) . . . . I had over 600 messages.  It was insane.  But. . . . .

SOMEONE BOUGHT ME A SUBSCRIPTION!  Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaayhappiness!  Its absolutely amazingly fun . . . er, well.  Haha.  Anyway, if you fess up to who you are, I'd be inclined to draw yous a REQUEST!  (that doesn't happen often . . . )

And in other news, I have recently become addicted to the game BUDOKAI . . . . 2, to be more precise.  So addicted that I went out and bought 3 only a few days ago.  So addicted that I read all 42 volumes of dragonball/DBZ in 4 days.  (in college, thats a record.)  So addicted that I'm watching the anime, and even thinking about (DUHN DAH DUHNNNNNN . . . ) BUYING it . . . er, GT that is.  (like I could afford 400+ episodes of an anime . . . )  So addicted that . . . I changed my avatar.  =^^=  

Goten is cute.  Dragonball (Z) makes me laugh.

PEOPLEZ YOO WANNA SEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111ONE!
:iconzethsaire:   :icontsaiwolf: <--college buddies  :iconvejiicakes:   :iconannouncerguy:   :iconhyatt-ayanami:  <-- people I just started watching   :iconcosmicdebris:   :icondesperationsarms:  <--2 other awesome people!

And as always, clubbage:
:icon1piecefans:  :iconluffyxnami:  :iconsanji-club:  :iconzoroclub:  :iconshanksfanclub:  :iconusopp-club:   :icongalley-love:  :iconjingclub:

. . . . *wonders if anyone actually reads these journals*
Many of you know, but most of you don't, that I'll be heading back to college this friday.  Meaning . . . the next several weeks might be rather quiet here on the DA end for me (but VERY busy otherwise).  In fact, right now, I ought to be packing.  

I was gonna do the 5 people every other week, but I lost count (I think its been like 4 weeks.)  Anyway, I shall try harder to keep a schedule in the coming months!

Today's people are (all friends from my hometown. . . but not all of my friends from my hometown):

:iconyoureonthewrongpage:  :iconanoveltyspoon:  :iconargento:  :iconametenchi:  :iconcrimson-tsunami:

And as always, clubbage:
:icon1piecefans:  :iconluffyxnami:  :iconsanji-club:  :iconzoroclub:  :iconshanksfanclub:  :iconusopp-club:   :icongalley-love:  :iconjingclub:
I'm still not sure how I feel on this whole Jark issue.  Or rather, if I want to express it.  I've been looking hard and long to try to find the facts on this issue; I really think it is as many people say: Angelo fired Scott, then never offered the community (ick . . . I said that word) an explination.    To sum it all up, if I ever met spyed/angelo, I think I'd give him a quick kick to 'a place where the sun don't shine' . . . and by that, I'm talking about his integrity.  

We'll see as to wether or not I finish something yellow for this jark day.  

Anyway, to support 'community spirit,' or perhaps just people I really like, from now on I'm going to put in (randomly) 5 people I devwatch/watch me/comment a lot to me/whatever into my journal!  I wish I could do more to support you guys, there are so many awesome people here on DA (then again, there are a lot of jerks too.)  Today's people are:

:iconace87x:  :iconcuuby:  :iconspiriferous:  :iconkikomi:  :iconteacuplion:

And as always, clubbage:
:icon1piecefans:  :iconluffyxnami:  :iconsanji-club:  :iconzoroclub:  :iconshanksfanclub:  :iconusopp-club:   :icongalley-love:  :iconjingclub:
Today I am a day older than I was yesterday . . .
a year older than I was last year.

Today I woke up at 6am.  Today I'm going to try to win $10,000.  Today is not yesterday . . . . .

Today I am 2 years older than luffy, but the same age as both sanji and zoro.  (yey . . )

Thursdays are good days, but nothing exciting happens at 19.



:icon1piecefans:  :iconluffyxnami:  :iconsanji-club:  :iconzoroclub:  :iconshanksfanclub:  :iconusopp-club:   :icongalley-love:   and now, :iconjingclub:
My life sucks, once again.  Though I'm not sure why I bother complaining, doesn't everyone's?

I'm still unemployed.  I'm convinced I'm perpetually unemployable.  My mom (in her eternal helpfulness. . . . . not) made a list of all the places I SHOULD HAVE been applying to - all the places that she told me about the day after I come home from college.  Like I really want to think about that then.  And she tells me its my fault for not getting a job because I'm not looking hard enough.  Because I haven't filled out at leat 50 applications.  Right.  Then how come friends of mine are getting hired at places I also applied to?  Why just me?  So to whoever my future employer may be - oh, nevermind.  I just don't care any more.

And then my mom blames me for not doing things around the house, regardless of the fact I've been out looking for a job.  And my sister, eager to find some way to feel as if she's superior to me, jumps in on it.  Sometimes I like her, but sometimes she pisses me off so bad . . . Gyah.  

*sigh*  I've been here before.  And it wound me up in the psych ward.  

AND I'm fat.  Yep.  Rather blunt, ne?  But even vigorous DDR isn't taking it off.  Really, there isn't much I HAVEN'T tried.  Ah, well . . . I suppouse its time for me to stop eating again.  And don't call me anorexic.  If you really knew me, you'd know I wasn't.

Been workin on the character art for a video game with some friends . . . . but he accuses my ideas of being 'too anime.'  I feel like I just can't get it right . . . . No belts on the arms.  No shuriken.  Lead girl must be politician.  No mage/sorcerers.  Too many belts.  Don't use purple.  Cat looks too . . . cat.  Characters are too young (just because they're not late 20's.)  And, of course, the 3 other people who are suppoused to be workin on this (you know who you are, seth, val . . . ) haven't said a thing since we last saw each other face to face . . . and that was over a month ago.

And I've got a lot of other arts to work on . . . . . though I haven't been much in the mood to draw.  Not really in the mood to do anything . . . .

I want to be angry at God, I want to be so angry.  But then someone would tell me not to be, and I'd be a hypocrite.  I've been called a hypocrite so often though . . . I wonder how much it really matters.  

Ah, whatever.  I give up.  Thats all I really wanna do anymore . . . just give up . . .

I'll finish your picture sometime, Saru-chan.  I promise.  Eneru, just for you.

recent works and stuff

Thu Apr 28, 2005, 10:15 PM
I guess I hafta say it.  Recently, I've been so unsatisfied with my work.  I even sometimes hate drawing.  I feel . . . . capable of so much more!  But at the same time it feels as if my hands/body isn't doing what I want it to.  I want to draw, but I can't get it right!  I know I can do so much better, I know there's like a million percent more inside of me . . . . but it won't come out any more!  I've done so little work recently . . . . so much for school and classes and stuff, but so little for myself, but at the same time I just . . . . ran out of ideas?  Almost . . . . almost.  More like I can't incorporate what I imagine onto a single piece of paper any more, just because of the incredible distance between the vastness of imagination and the limited space of a piece of paper.  And I think in motion - but I can't animate!  My hands feel stiff . . . . my muscles inside them hurt . . . . whats wrong with me?  Aaah!  I want . . . . . . . I want to be able to create!  I want all those things that make a picture have good design and be interesting and awesome too look at!  I want to incorporate them, but I just can't visualize it!  I want to be the best, but I'm so far away!

Everyone always tells me how good I am, even my drawing professor said it.  But I don't feel it in myself.  I should be capable of so much more.  I don't feel great.  I make so many mistakes.  I can't even live life correctly.  My room is a mess, I'm a burden to my parents, I can't get a job . . . . am I even trying to get a job?  I'm exponentially lazy . . . . and I may not even be smart enough to keep my gpa to keep my scholarships so that I can keep going to college . . . . . I wonder if anyone even reads my journals . . . . *looks at number of comments* . . . . 3 comments . . . 5 comments . . . . . nope.

*sigh* I also wish I were more popular here on DA . . . then again, so many people do watch me, and I love all of you so much!  You're all very kind, and take time to help me and comment on my stuff . . . . sometimes I get jealous of those 1000000000000000000000000000007 pageview people with the million fav's on every work they do . . . everyone talks about THEM . . . regardless of how good they are, or how much they talk to other people, or how insensitive they are, etc.  *sigh again*  Why am I so upset?  Is it because I didn't take my meds?  . .  . . . . I'm going to have to live the rest of my life on them, aren't I?  But thats the way it goes.  

*sigh*  Though for no apparent reason I'm now a 'subscriber' to DA.  When did this happen?  I'm certainly not paying for this (especially seeing as how I don't have a credit card), so HOW did this happen may be the better question.  Some kind of marketing campaign to try to get people to buy it?  *sigh* someone else who wants the $0 I have.  But no one wants to hire me.  No, graduating from high school with a 4.1 gpa doesn't mean a thing . . . . apparently I'm just not workforce material.   I'll be forced to marry someone (ick) rich and live as a housewife/mother for the rest of my life.  Not that I have anything against housewives/mothers (my mom is the awesomest!!) but I don't want to get married, and I don't want to be a mom . . . . I want to follow my own dreams.  I guess I like being alone . . .


And to allieviate the depression you have aquired since reading this, visit some awesome clubs.

:icon1piecefans:  :iconluffyxnami:  :iconsanji-club:  :iconzoroclub:  :iconshanksfanclub:  :iconusopp-club:   :icongalley-love:

UPDATE:  a new AVATAR by asami-chan!!!  :iconasami-chan:  thank you soooooo much asami-chwan!  (its shanks from ONE PIECE - afro version!  I have joined the . . . . several . . . one piece afro-ers!)

. . . . *wonders if anyone actually read the journal*
after quite some time here on DA, I finally decided to join some clubs!!!  And, of course, they're . . . ONE PIECE CLUBS!!

Club I've found so far and have joined/soon to join:

:icon1piecefans:  :iconluffyxnami:  :iconsanji-club:  :iconzoroclub:  :iconshanksfanclub:  

Update:  also joined :iconusopp-club:   :icongalley-love:

So pile 'em on me, Nakama, cause its time for some SUPER CLUBBAGE!
8am:  Alarm (music) goes off.  Heidi lays in bed.  Roommate was up until 2am last night talking/yelling/crying at boyfriend on phone.  Sleeping pills took 2 hours to kick in.
8:07am:  Roommate hits snooze button on Heidi's alarm.  Heidi decides to get up when alarm goes off again.
9:25am:  Heidi's first class (advanced writing) begins
9:30am:  Rommate asks Heidi if Heidi had class this morning.  Heidi discovers roommate had not only hit snooze button but also turned off alarm.  
10:00am:  Roommate tells Heidi to get out of bed because heater guys will be here to change filter at 10.
10:15am:  Heidi gets out of bed, gets dressed, checks devart, KF, and other internet goodness.  
10:45am:  Heidi takes half bottle of vanilla coke from previous night with her to class as breakfast.  Also brings sharp knives
11:05am: 2nd class of day begins - Design 2.  Studio day, Heidi carves foam to look like orange barrel.  
12:05pm:  attempts to glue foam pieces together.  Is outwitted by various glues.
12:30pm:  class ends.  Someone else borrows knife.  Heidi does not mind.
12:50pm:  goes to lunch with Tsai.  Orange, Orange b/f, and Lackey also there.  Eats ham and potato chip sandwich.  
1:10pm:  Orange and Lackey make game of petting Tsai's hair.  Heidi joins.  Tsai dislikes, hits Heidi twice.  Hard.  Does Tsai not know boys should not hit girls?
1:11pm:  Heidi hurts.  Heidi pouts.
1:15pm:  Heidi leaves before Heidi kills Tsai.
1:20pm:  Heidi returns to internet for more devart/KF/one piece goodness.
1:25pm:  Heidi realizes Heidi forgot to turn on fish light/feed fishes in morning.  Turns on fish light/feeds fishes.
1:30pm:  Heater guy comes and replaces filter.  Literally takes less than 20 seconds.
2:25pm:  Heidi takes nap.
4:15pm:  Heidi is awoken by roommate telling Heidi that friends (orange) called.  
4:30pm:  Heidi meets Orange, Lackey, and Tsai in art building.  Paints orange barrel (not Orange) neon orange.  
5:30pm:  Heidi, Orange, and Lackey decide to go to walmart.  
5:45pm:  Heidi borrows Orange b/f bike.  Bike too tall, but better than Orange or Lackeys bike (far too short.)  Ride to Lowes, Staples and Walmart for odorless turpentine, matte medium, clear gesso, super 77, workable fixatif, and more neon orange paint.  
7:15pm:  Shopping trip half success - no clear gesso or matte medium.  Orange and Lackey hungry.  Chinese food place next to wal-mart.
7:25pm:  Eat chinese.  Yum.
7:40pm:  Realize ordered too much chinese food.  Get dog boxes
7:45pm:  Bike back to campus.  It is now raining.
7:50pm:  Complains to Orange/Lackey about lack of sexy love slave - er, boyfriend.  Lackey shares pain.  
8:30pm:  finally make it back to art buidling.  Put on another coat of neon orange paint plus white stripes with glow-in-the-dark white.  Glue still winning against Heidi
9:15pm:  Heidi declares barrel done for the day.  Cuts illustration board for drawing class.  Begins drawing project
9:45pm:  Leaves art building to go do other homework/take shower.  Still raining.
9:55pm:  back in dorm room, calls Tsai to find out when Advanced Writing work due.  
10:05pm:  procrastinates on homework to look at more devart/KF/one piece goodness.
10:10pm:  eats rest of chinese while procrastinating with devart/KF/one piece goodness.
10:30pm:  decides to take shower.  Waits for suitemates/acrosshallmates to leave room.
10:54pm:  fire alarm goes off.  Fire drill.  Heidi glad Heidi was not in shower.
11:05pm:  returns to room.  Takes shower.
11:35pm:  Roommate left window open (was warm, now cold) and AC on.  Turns AC to 'warm fan,' shuts window.  Roommate will complain later on how hot it is, guarenteed.  Heidi will freeze to death.
11:36pm:  Remembers she has devotions for psych class tomorrow.  Has nothing prepared.
11:40pm:  decides to write DA journal on day.
11:55pm:  finishes DA journal.  Hurts from bike seat.  Is wet.  Is not so cold.  Is grumpy.  Is slightly mad at roommate.  Is thirsty.  Is tired.  Is still slightly mad at Tsai.  Very annoyed with roommate.  Has to do psych devotions still.  Has to write essay.  Roommate informs Heidi that guest will be staying with them Sunday.  Heidi now must also clean room.  Heidi annoyed.  Heidi tired.  Heidi complain.

Note:  My roommate is actually a very sweet girl, I think I've just been a little bit easy to piss off recently.  This is a semi-normal day for me really, usually I don't miss classes, but it does happen sometimes.  I've also had insomnia again recently, so I'm a bit tired and moody.  Unfortunately, days like this really do happen in Heidi-world, and sometimes more often than not.  *Sigh*  So is the lif of the average taco, I suppouse  . . . . I'm gonna go get a drink of water . . .
Well, as obviously no one could give us a ride, we wound up scrounging one off of my parents.  So indeed, myself plus ::linktsaiwolf:: and ::linkzethsaire:: and another friend will be there representing CFI (we have a stuuuuudiooooo now!!!)

Tsai:  "REPRESENTING CFI?  We ARE CFI.  What are you talkin bout, foo?"

me:  "... lets go eat dinner.  Oh wait, we can't yet."

So anyway, look for us and buy some artwork - new stuffs will be there from me, and the printing will also be on-demand (aka readied while you wait) plus all the old classics.  Calendars MIGHT be ready, but don't hold your breath (unless we smell bad.  Then I won't blame you.  After all, we are staying in a guy's dorm on OSU.)


(buy art so poor college students can afford teh freakin $77 design textbook . . . . . . starving artists for sure.)
Just when you think you've got everything figured out and life under control, things very often, and often very disasterously, fall apart.  And I'm not talking about the book.


. . . . . . *hopes someone will aide*
Hey y'all!  This weekend (November 20th and maybe 21st) I'll be at SUGOICON in Cincinnati, Ohio!  (  I'll be bringing my normal stash of prints (nice nice photo paper prints of a good deal of my artwork) PLUS a few sets of cards - as in the cards I've been working on making!  Soooo . . . . check me out there, or if you can't make it but still want something, drop me a note or email!  Remember - every print/card you buy is helping to send a poor girl to college!  (it honestly is . . . )

Saa, I'm writing a journal entry and its NOT about a con!  (X_X look at my past 4 entries . . . . )  Though it is about that other . . . thing . . . I write about (though don't share so often).  Chris.

I thought I had forgotten him, I honestly thought so.  An occasional memory is okay, but as long as I kept pushing on he couldn't hinder me.

I guess I should at least explain a little about our relationship.  

Chris and I had been on and off friends since our junior year, though we had known  each other in passing our sophomore year.  I'm not sure really when, how, or why he became so important to me, but he started out as merely a dependable art critic who actually said something besides 'hey, thats good.'  In all honesty, a good deal of my improvement could be credited to him.  Maybe.  But in the start of my junior year, he was really the only person I knew in my lunch group, so I started to hang with him.  At lunch.  And for 4 months, thats as much as it was.  We talked together at lunch, talked online.  Nothing outside of that, really.  (Then again, I was busy with band a lot.)

Then one December day he invited me with a bunch of his friends (including Thomas, who will be spoken upon more later)  to go see a movie or something, and we eventually all wound up at his house.  I was tired, and I curled up on the floor while the rest of them were playing video games.  Eventually the video games turned into physical games and someone almost hit me with a chair.  Almost.  Everything seemed to stop then, and everyone was like 'hey, leave Heidi out of this.'  

I felt distant, but as I looked back later, I wished for them to protect me like that again.

Soon, Chris, Thomas, and everyone in 'that group' became a sense of independance to me; they were the first group I hung with who didn't ask their parent's permission to do everything (I was 16 at the time, this was a big deal for me) and kind of lived the way they wanted, usually in Chris' basement.  I wanted that too.  I began to leave my other friends behind and hang with Chris and co more and more often.

Then Sam died.  

Sam was my puppy; he was a 4-year-old golden retriever I had raised since he was 8 weeks; I had trained him and everything.  As wierd as it sounds, I get very emotionally attatched to animals, although I can be quite distant from people sometimes.  Don't ask.  Anyway, while my sister hammed it up at home, I went to school the day after he died.  I don't like being near my family when I cry, really, but I couldn't stop crying during school most of the day.  But it was at lunchtime when I broke down that Thomas did something very surprising - he actually wiped away my tears.

Making the Thomas saga short, from christmas break to spring break the two of us grew closer as friends.  He even found out about my scars and seemed to really care - we had a lot of long serious talks, and a lot of phone calls where we both did noting but listened to the other breathe.  I had said I didn't want to be any more than friends; in my mind I knew I shouldn't, but I wanted his strength so badly.  Unfortunately for people like me, I didn't realize Thomas didn't understand this kind of subtle hint.  While I became more and more obsessed with him, he seemed to care less and less about me.

What really broke the both of us was my 'posessiveness,' as he called it.  The fact that when I thought he cared for me I expected him to be loyal.  Well, he started going back out with his ex (who I also hated for a long time after that) and things dissolved rapidly from there.

Eventually, of all the people I had befriended that fall, Chris was the only one left who seemed to care.  He says I took advantage of it, threatening him with my scars.  My parents tell me I was seriously not mentally well, and that a lot of things I did were neither rational nor sane.  Regardless, in June of 2003 I was thrown into the psych ward when my parents found out about my scars.  

The summer passed reasonably well; we had season passes to kings island and I was the designated driver (aka only one with lisence) for most of the trips.  Thomas, his ex, Chris, my sister and I were the usual crowd, sometimes joined by several other of chris' group.  Some things happened but it sums down to Thomas didn't like me (and picked on my sister some too) but could really care less.  My sister, for the first time in a very long while, actually felt like family to me.  And Chris  . . .

In his own way, he really tried to help me.  

Summer ended, and marching band started again for me, and I saw none of them for a good 4 months except the occasional in-hall pass or chat online.  Once marching band ended I tried to get together again with Chris, and finally succeeded in the form of a movie.  Unfortunately, Thomas and another of the 'group' were going along (a guy who had been 'kicked out' of the group because he and Chris weren't really getting along for a while.  He had never liked me so much anyway, thought my whole cutting issue and depression were nothing and no one suffered like him/he was the only one with answers because he had learned to 'accept' life)  The movie was good but the company was bad - I wanted so badly to tell Chris, to talk to Chris alone, but whether purposefully or not, the other two would not let me close to him.

(Meanwhile I had also regained the frienships I had broken earlier with the friends I shouldn't have ever left.)  Also for a while I had been trying to convince Chris to come to church with me; I had taken him to Cedar Point with my youth group that summer (one of my more powerful memories) but he never has agreed to come.

Although I had gone to the psych ward and was now on anti-depressants and counseling, my need to cut had never really disappeared, only diminished.  The summer and fall months left me with a few more hidden cuts.  I told chris, though.

Then Chris finally got fed up with me that November.  From November to May, really, the two of us played the painful game of catch, where I was desperately trying to talk to him, while he was blocking me out any way possible.  (Including the use of his 'groupies,' who had seemed to take up residence in his house.)  We cycled through the game and periods of decent friendship, I the ever-relentless; he the ever apathetic.  

I had thought finally in June he was my friend again when he had started to agree to do stuff with me and my friends.

I guess I was wrong.  

"This has to stop. I'm getting tired of coming home from work and finding that I have 14 calls from the Black residence. I'm tired of checking my email and finding that I have 6 emails from the same address, most of which just telling me every event in your day. I don't like waking up to find that while I was asleep someone had come into my house and left me presents or tried to steal my stuff (i.e. pillow).

"I'm glad you're happier now then you used to be. I really am. I'm glad you've been doing well at cons. I'm glad you got into the college of your choice. I'm glad that you've done all these things without me. And that's how I want things to continue to be. I want you to be happy, I want you to be successful. But I really don't want to be there with you when you do it.

"I know you like hanging out with me. But I really don't. When I'm with you and your friends, I have to restrain myself from saying things that I would normally. In a way, I'm lying to everyone, including myself, and I don't like to lie. In all honesty, I tend to lie to you more than I do anyone else, I'm not sure entirely why, probably because I don't trust your sense of self control. Everyone deserves a second chance, but I've given you way more than that, and you've still managed to do something non favorable every time.

"I know I shouldn't have agreed to do something with you after graduation, but my nice guy inside took control momentarily, and I regretted the decision immediately after you walked away. The movie went alright, DDR was alright. But it needs to end there. If you won't do it for you, do it for me, for my mental state.

"I want you to go to college, I want you to do what you like to do. If that's drawing go for it, if you find you like cooking better along the road, go for it. But without me. We've had a tumultuous relationships, I've learned a lot from it, I hope you have too. There were good times, there were bad times, but that's the way life is. And this part of life needs to be over. Now. So this is my way of saying goodbye. Stop calling, stop visiting. An occasional email is OK, but not once every few days. Mail me from college once you get there, just to let me know how you like it, and how things are going, and we'll see how things go from there. But let this go. Now."

To explain how this hurts is like trying to explain colour to a blind person (pardon my use of metaphor); unless a person has actually seen the colour its impossible to comprehend.

Ah well, now that I've written myself silly on 'scars,' I guess I'll hafta explain the rest.  I sell knives.  really REALLY freakin' awesome ones.  (  The goose is from a contest with the knife-selling office; he is now our not-really-un-or-official mascot, and the pencil is part of that contest too.   

The Heidi has spoken.
well, had a quite enjoyable ikasucon this weekend, though very tiring.  Yar, my computer is severely misbehaving . . . keeps redirecting me to this pablo picasso site every time I want to see devart . . . saaa . . . . and so many stupid popups . . . . yar.  I wonder if its just some people's goal in life to annoy other people.  

Anyway . . . prints still deliciously available, buy many, please.  Most anything is either a current print or can be made into one in a few minutes.  so its all good . . . . Hrm, every one of my journals is from right after a con . . . . Oh well.  

Finally watching all of evangelion for the first time ever; I've seen bits and pieces of it before.  Learned at ikasu that its 10 years old now; it gives me a creepy feeling because everything always seems so . . . . lifeless.  And its like I've gone back in time then projected myself in a totally new direction.  Probably sounds very wierd, right?  But I'm one of those people who follows what I feel.  

Some days I feel like dying.  So I guess I don't always follow, just let the feeling consume me.  Now I feel very very old and tired.  Maybe I'm just worn out . . . .
Before I give in to my need to rant, print info:
All images in my DA gallery as well as my web site (see above link) are available as prints.  Once again, the price is 1 print for $10 or 3 for $25.  Email me at subject = 'artwork prints' with your order.  I accept checks, money orders, and well-hidden cash (though I'd go with one of the first two) but I can't do credit cards.   All prints are hi-resolution scans printed on glossy photo paper with my 6-colour printer.  My leftover 2004 calendars are also available (see deviation to left) for $10 each or 2 for $15 (for images on calendars, see description of deviation to left)

My sister's DA account:  She's also with a large leftover of artwork, and we'd like to get rid of it . . I'll put in a good word for her too, because she really does try hard, and even if she is my sister (consequently I get pick-on rights over her) she is at least semi-decent.  

I'm gonna say it.  ACEN SUCKED!  Majorly!  Not only was this one of the most spread out conventions I've ever attended (I had to actually walk a half mile from the checkin/vendors area to my table in artist alley)  I got lost 5 times trying to FIND this artist alley.  Not because I get lost easily, I actually have a pretty good sense of direction, but because no one could really tell me how to get there.  Now realize that I just walked a half-mile with 70 lbs to a dark isolated basement of a very hi-class hotel in hopes of actually making some kind of money.

Well anyway, in the conventions I've gone to, I'd have to say ohayocon was by far the best.  Even though it was four times smaller than ACEN, it was at least all in the same building.  Even better, in the same part of the building.  The artists were downstairs the first night, but they actually moved us up to the main flow of traffic the second day.  The tables were normal sized tables (the ones at ACEN were 18" deep and about 6' wide.  And 3 people were sharing this one table.  CHEAP!)

Back to my ranting . . . I definately actually bothered to submit an 'advertisement' for ACEN so they could put that I would be there in their nifty little books (which, btw, weren't nifty, and I didn't even get one)  But - hey, I'm nobody famous, not like steve bennet who (apparently) wasn't even there - people were quite unaware of my existance (unless they had formerly met me.)  A good deal of people did not even know the artist alley existed, and maybe one in 10 of the people that did actually knew where it was.  

Now, don't get me wrong, I KNOW people go to conventions for a lot of other things besides the artist alley - cosplay, karaoke, dances, vendors, guests, or just for the sheer fun of meeting other freaks (I use that term in the most positive manner, I'm one too).  But most of us artists spend the ENTIRETY of our convention experience behind a table trying desperately to pay off the cost of the prints, the motel and the gas to get to the con.

In short (If you didn't read any of that just read this) as much fun as I had meeting all kinds of artists and other freaks at ACEN, I was really there to earn some kind of money so I could stand a chance of going to college, and that failed miserably.  So to those who were hoping to see me next year at ACEN, unless you can SERIOUSLY redesign the convention layout, programming, and so on (It would be VERY cool if the artist alley was right in front of/right next to the vendor's rooms) you stand 'a snowball's chance in hell.'  And personally, I like cold.

*sigh*  Maybe getting sleep in my own bed will help . . . cept I hafta do physics first . . . .
So I finally return from the wonderous ohaycon, and after many many hours of printing calendars and prints, all I can say is . . . I'm dead tired.  

Haha.  So the convention was actually very great, thank you once again everyone~!  I'm glad to have met people who actually had seen my stuff, and I'm equally pleased to have met people I adore there.  I do still have a great number of prints and calendars available directly through me (via email) if anyone feels so inclined, though I do not know when my next convention appearance will be.  And remember, kids, I cut my hair just for you guys (which is saying something, I don't like parting with it.)  

To the batcave, robin!
Sugoi!!! And indeed it is most excellent!  A big thank you to Matt, Catlyn (probably spelled that wrong), and Lindsey (ye who sells very good art for too cheap!), as well as my fellow Dev's I met there!  Thanks for making the convention a blast!  And a big hug to everyone else I met there - you kids were great!  

Anyway, there's still stuff for sale here (not on DAPrints, because I'm too cheap to do that) via my website (…) or contact me directly at  Prettymuch everything is printable (unless it says 'commission piece' or 'gift piece') 1 for US$10 or 3 for US$25.  Everythings printed on very shiny 'glossy photo paper' at about 400 DPI (thats high quality stuff there) on my cmyk (thats 'cyan, majenta, yellow, black for those of you who are unfamiliar with that, its a very nice kind of printer, but the ink is very expensive)  I love you all!!

And in other news, y'all go check out  <-- there's not much in the way of clubs and all I'll join, but being a christian is one of the things I am very proud of!  

Don't ever stop believing in your dreams - cause you are every bit worth it.  It took me 3 years of cutting my own wrists open to understand that.